Honeymoon phase

December 2023

Recently, I was describing to a friend the mindset that I have for my relationship. I told him that instead of assessing whether or not my partner is "right" for me, I am assuming that we'll be together forever.

Granted, I can only do this because before we even started dating, I was careful to see that she was the type of person that I'd be willing to make this commitment too. At this stage in life, I'm not willing to commit to someone that doesn't have serious marriage potential. This is a crucial part of this "forever" mindset that I'm committing myself too. In the absence of that compatibility, you risk putting a lot of effort into someone that isn't the right fit for you.

Anyways, this mindset has very strong benefits. Conflict resolution, self-confidence, deescalation, confidence in the strength of our relationship, avoidance of insecure jokes.

But, most interesting to me, is that I think this could make the "honeymoon phase" the actual entirety of the relationship. Hear me out...

Early on when dating, a couple often adjusts who they are to become more attractive to their partner. They are more agreeable, avoidant of conflict, put more effort into their appearance, do more to outwardly show their interest, and so on. This sounds sweet and all, but this isn't genuine. When you really think about it, they're being different from their authentic self in an attempt to win over the other person. Great in theory, but not sustainable. This should be your default state.

And that's what this "forever" mindset gives me. I'm not trying to be anyone other than who I am now. The person that I give her now is the foundation of the person that I will give her 10, 20, 30 years from now. If she likes this version of me, she's going to absolutely love the future version of me. There won't be a "honeymoon phase" because the relationship will only get richer and more vibrant.

Obviously, this doesn't excuse laziness, a lack of display of affection, or other compromises. Ideally, you should show and tell everyone important to you that you love them and care for them.

Tons of caveats in here. In order for this to work, you and your partner need to be rock-fucking-solid human beings. If either of you suck, this isn't going to work. Your default state has to be high-effort, high display of love.

I'm also ignoring the negative behaviors that a lot of people have during this phase, like infatuation. That's never healthy. A person is not something to be obsessed over.

I just find the dichotomy of honeymoon phase and post-honeymoon phase to be so weird. Shouldn't your love and interest grow with time?