It was just a joke

My thoughts on why "it was just a joke" misses the point.

March 2023

It was just a joke never works as an excuse. Why not? Sometimes, it really is just a joke. You didn't mean to actually hurt the other person. That other person is usually a friend, a family member, or a romantic partner. It's a person that you love and care about, so of course you didn't mean to hurt their feelings. So why doesn't it work?

There are two main reasons that come to mind for me.

The first is that every joke contains a kernal of truth. Maybe you joke about the shirt that someone is wearing. It looks like you spilled mustard on that thing. Why is it so yellow? (idk why my brain came up with that joke for this essay, but it did). Sure, it is a playful joke. It doesn't actually look like someone spilled mustard on it. But behind that joke, there is the truth that it is an ugly shirt to you or you would never wear it yourself. It is a very minor attack on the shirt. Like, seriously minor. So minor that you would never think someone would actually get insulted by it. But nonetheless, there is truth behind it.

The second - and arguably, the more important - reason is that the other person doesn't feel secure in your relationship. They may have doubts about how your feelings for them or they may be in a state of mind where they need leave and noursihment so a joke doesn't feel funny to them. Instead, it hurts. The other person is looking for reassurance that you care. They want to know, even if this joke were true, this person still cares about me. Even the harshest jokes delivered by the most brash comedians need to be delivered in a certain environment (a comedy club). If they made a pointed joke about you to your face instead of at the club, it would sting. It would feel personal. Context is crucial.

This has been a difficult lesson for me to learn. These it was just a joke type of jokes come in two situations: (a) when I am feeling insecure and (b) when I trust my relationship with the other person so much that I believe they will receive it as funny rather than hurtful. (b) is easy. That happens with my best friends. We could rip on each other all day long and no one would flinch. But (a) is sneaky and often comes in romantic relationships. It could be a very minor joke about doing the dishes or going to the grocery store - it doesn't matter. But 9 times out of 10, if the relationship isn't rock solid in that moment, it will not land well.

For me, from this point forward, I will treat jokes with anyone other than my closest of friends as smoke signals. It's a smoke signal that I am feeling insecure and I am using the joke to lash out. I'll try to do better in the future.